Should You Call a Stranger “Sir”? Protocol, Consent & Identity in BDSM
In BDSM and kink spaces, few questions spark as much debate as this one:
Should you address a stranger as “Sir” on first contact — or not?
Some people see it as respectful and affirming. Others see it as presumptive or even unsafe. And both perspectives exist for valid reasons.
At The Fetish Network, we approach this question not as a rule to enforce, but as an opportunity to talk about protocol, consent, and self-understanding.
Protocol in BDSM: What It Is — and What It Isn’t
Protocols are negotiated behaviours or expectations that express a power dynamic. They are not universal laws of kink — and they are not owed by default.
In some dynamics, protocol is central and deeply meaningful. In others, it plays no role at all. Neither approach is more “real” than the other.
Problems arise when protocol is assumed rather than discussed.
Why “Sir” Can Feel Important to Some Submissives
For some submissive people, addressing someone as “Sir” isn’t about granting authority to a stranger — it’s about affirming their own submissive identity.
In this context, the honorific functions inwardly rather than outwardly. It’s a way of stepping into a mindset, not crowning someone else with power.
This can be especially true for people whose submission is part of their identity, not only something they explore sexually.
Why Others Choose Not to Use Honorifics Immediately
On the other side, many people avoid using titles like “Sir” or “Master” until boundaries are clear — and for good reason.
Modern kink spaces are more open, more diverse, and more online than ever before. That means:
Not everyone who claims dominance understands consent
Not all authority is earned or negotiated
Safety and clarity matter, especially early on
Choosing not to use an honorific initially can be a form of self-protection — not disrespect.
Identity vs Interaction: A Useful Distinction
One helpful way to approach this debate is to separate who you are from how you interact.
You may identify as submissive — but that doesn’t mean every interaction must immediately reflect that identity.
Likewise, someone may identify as dominant — but that doesn’t automatically grant them authority over others.
Identity is personal. Power is negotiated.
Old Guard, New Guard, and Everything In Between
Traditional leather and Old Guard communities often emphasised protocol as a way to create structure, mentorship, and safety within tightly knit groups.
Modern kink spaces tend to prioritise explicit consent, communication, and flexibility — especially in online environments.
Neither approach is inherently right or wrong. They simply evolved in different contexts.
Problems occur when one framework is imposed onto people who didn’t agree to it.
So… Should You Call a Stranger “Sir”?
There is no universal answer.
If it feels authentic to you, and the context supports it, it may be meaningful.
If it feels premature or unsafe, it’s okay to wait.
The most important thing is not the title — it’s the conversation that follows.
Clear communication, mutual respect, and informed consent matter far more than any honorific.
Finding Your Own Approach
Kink is not a performance to get right. It’s a relationship with yourself and others that evolves over time.
If you’re navigating protocol, power, or identity questions, being part of a kink-aware community can make all the difference.
You can join The Fetish Network to connect with people who value communication, consent, and respect — whatever role you inhabit.
